Put It All On Red

I have mentioned before that, in previous incarnations, I worked on the Hill. But, with Casey Serin revealing his intentions to sell casinos and get a big win of his own, today seems like an apt day to reveal a little-known Aspeth factoid:

A bridge that I traveled between the public and private sectors was just such an endeavor. I worked as a part of a multi-billion dollar multi-national that handled these types of financial transactions.

Passing a casino from one hand to another is an incredibly complex and fragile spiderweb of intricacies. The reason that these types of firms become involved in these transactions is because few entities have pockets deep enough to facilitate such a deal, and their role is further enhanced with a responsibility to keep everything clean.

In truth, there are only a dozen or so individuals in the U.S. who will qualify to take ownership of this type of property. Far from traditional real estate marketing, this type of effort involves a very short list of potential candidates, and conversations are quick, quiet, and to the point.

Since Casey Serin seems so intent on "selling" his vast real estate/financial/foreclosure experience via books and seminars, I'm not going to give him the cow, so to speak.

But suffice to say that money is just the first hurdle that one encounters in this type of transaction. The Gaming Review Boards are not to be fucked with. To even own a smaller mom-and-pop type casino worth under $10 million, the buyer(s) must first undergo an extensive background check, at their own expense, for the Gaming Review Board to search every nook and cranny of that individual's moral and financial background.

Just having someone like Casey Serin sitting at the table would muddy any potential deal. Hell, let's be honest. Just having someone like Casey Serin licking stamps in the mail room would muddy the deal.

In short, Gaming Review is the licensing body that is charged with ensuring that gambling remains profitable to gamblers, at a minimum of (x) percentage of the time. If you've ever had to get a liquor license, imagine if that process came with an automatic, gigantic anal probe. Now multiply that by ten and you've got the Gaming Review Board.

While the potential buyer(s) writes a blank cheque to the Board to investigate him or her or them, it is necessary for everyone at the table to sit down and pore over the financials. Hey Casey, do you have any fucking idea what EBITDA means? What a fucking multiplier is? Because everyone else at the table does, and they're going to knock you on your ass if you hold up the process.

Financials can be thousands of pages long, earmarking expenses and values of everything from the FF&E to labor to insurance to laundry to contracts. And that's before you even get to the tables and slots.

That's all I'm going to say about the process. It's enough information to point out just how laughable Casey Serin's sad little hope and dream of somehow landing a $1.5 billion whale is. I'm not applying an ounce of sarcasm when I say that he's actually got better statistical odds of winning the lottery, twice, or being directly struck by lightening six times.

Casey, get it through your tiny little bird brain...it's just not that simple. Just because a number is written on the wall doesn't mean it's up for grabs. Let's say that on some distant planet, in some parallel universe (am I speaking your language yet?) that you were actually able to facilitate a buyer and seller in this type of situation.

Let me tell you what would happen next. You would be like a small animal who happened across an elephant just as it was struck dead by a boulder. You might see it first and claim it as your own. But you're just a little guy in the food chain. And bigger carnivores like my team and I would swoop in and make it very clear, very quickly, just how rightfully ours that elephant ass is.

It's a good thing that the nice people at C-net helped you inquire about a job at Jamba Juice (hey, wasn't that your schtick with Nigel as well?) because you might be able to squeeze juice out of pet grass, but you're not going to strike it rich at the casino.


Schnapps said...

To paraphrase Steph:


::wipes tear::

Third first? and murst?

Aspeth said...

Now you're making me giggle, but I'm on the phone with a client and trying to cover the laugh response with coughing. God, it's going to be a long day.

Anonymous said...

Not to mention that is people like Casey are involved, there is definitely something wrong with the deal. People who can handle this debt and are capable of owning a casino don't need people like Casey. Once it gets passed to 3rd-4th parties, it's because the deal has 0% chance of going through.

My first question, as Casey's should have been, is why are you coming to me?

Aspeth said...

No doubt, mozatta. Even the banks aren't called in until the owners/buyers themselves have sat down and had a coversation. Then come the lawyers....and so on.

There are people out there who have tried to do smaller-level casino brokerages and drained their safety net trying to make it happen. I guess with that in mind, there is an open market for yet another asshole guru to step up and sell late-night infomercial-watching high school dropouts that they too can do this!

lawnmower man said...

Just having someone like Casey Serin licking stamps in the mail room would muddy the deal.

*snork* Too true. Casey is toxic.

And to whoever trolled him with the casino broking "opportunity": genius. Comic genius.

Aspeth said...

No kidding. For Casey to give it any serious consideration, it would have to have come from a guru. But I have to say, I always pictured him more as one of those "cash flow" idiots they advertise on late-night television.

Anonymous said...

But didn't Nigel say Casey is extremely intelligent? I don't consider myself to be a genius, but I am smart enough to know that billion dollar deals do not work the way he thinks they do. Why the heck would they need that dumbass?

Anonymous said...

Casey Serin licking stamps
I think that "Casey Serin directing Galina Serin to lick stamps while he enjoys a Jamba Juice wheatgrass shot" might be more accurate...

Aspeth said...

Good point, notanoptimist.

Anonymous said...

I live in Nevada, grew up in Las Vegas. For this little troll to even utter the words "casino deal" beggars belief. And as bad as the Gaming Control Board is, they are simply a governmental obstacle, the final hurdle. The overwhelming hurdle, IMHO, is the ability to travel in the altitude required to even utter the words "casino deal". We are talking about an infinitesimally small number of people in this circle, and THEY ALL KNOW EACHOTHER, at least by reputation or D&B rating. Of course, we all know Casey by reputation as well.

mr. potato head said...

Thank you for the explanation. Of course, most of us realized without knowing the details that his dreaming of bird-dogging casinos (or whatever you want to call it) was just pissing into the wind, as they say.

The boy should work on getting ONE successful project complete before setting his eyes on the big fish.

HippieChyck said...

"squeeze juice out of pet grass"
- awesome.

Anonymous said...

Casey, get it through your tiny little bird brain

Sadly, that's an insult to birds. Anyway, if Casey were to read this, he wouldn't be able to grasp it; you didn't use the word "sweet" at all. Tsk tsk. But, it's all good!™

Anonymous said...

I agree with Notanoptimist. I have an African Gray parrot that is most definitely smarter than Casey. The little guy says things on cue, starts conversations with himself and others! He f-s with my dogs, he isn't imitating anything - he can actually pick up sentences and use them. He hears the phone and would answer it with clear concise speech if he could pick it up!

If you don't believe me, check out the smartest bird in the world by googling Alex + Dr Irene Pepperberg. The bird is so f-ing smart he can tell you the color of something AND can answer questions...no cues, just the ability to listen and reason. THAT proves intelligence. Casey isn't smart since he can't reason, can't listen and only says dumb things on cue.

I'd say PIGEONBRAIN when thinking of Casey since we all know those are not the smartest birds in the world.

Aspeth said...

@Anon 10:26...Where's Flailing with the famed Nigel quote?

@Anon 12:15...you're right about that. It's a small club.

all things good staff...I would think even Jamba Juice would want to see a 100% success rate with taking out the trash.

hippiechyck...thank you :)

notanoptimist and bird guy...it seems you are correct. how about squirrels? we safe there?

Schnapps said...

Flailing has a Nigel quote? Hopefully he posts it soon. I am getting bored and Heroes isn't on for 3 more hours. :>

Aspeth said...

The one where he quotes Nigel's press release as saying what a bright guy Casey is...

Anonymous said...

Sure, squirrels are evil. I've seen them wait for the exact right moment to cause maximum damage by darting out into the middle of a slew of oncoming cyclists who swerve in surprise and crash into each other and trees. Meanwhile, the devious squirrel watched safely from the other side of the road, chuckling to itself.

Schnapps said...

Oh that one. That's also splayed all over Nigel's blog.

And remember! hindsight is 20/20! go look at the koi!


Schnapps said...

Oh, and studies show that some parrots have the intelligence of a 5 year old.

What studies, I'm not sure. But you can google it.

And squirrels are just little bastards. We were camping once and we ended up at a spot where a squirrel lived. All night, he chucked pine cones at us (and not the light, dry ones - the little, green hard ones - they are painful).



Anonymous said...

Here's the quote (flailing forward, hope you don't mind):

"As I kept reading his story, I realized he's very intelligent and pretty shrewd about reaching his goal of avoiding foreclosure," Swaby added.

Aspeth said...

lol. I had no idea there were such strong feelings about various members of the animal kingdom here. Schnapps, that's a trip! Yet, another good simile:

"Casey Serin is like a tiny, annoying squirrel chucking pine cones as we tried to camp."

Aspeth said...

Nicely done, NotAn...

Nigel Swaby, man ahead of his time. Oh, wait, that's not it at all. Nigel Swaby is a moron.