Checkraise, an Homage

Perhaps my all-time favorite blog is Checkraise. Its author, John, is a constant source of amusement. It is rare for me to visit his page without finding something that will actually induce a giggle. I have, in fact, even phone-assaulted friends with certain posts, calling them and reading off the computer screen before they have a chance to object.

The thrill for me comes from the author's decidedly cynical worldview. Similar to the adage that "we choose the friends that best suit our own dysfunction," I think we must choose our blog reading the same way. I am continually in agreement with John's take on the world and its inhabitants. At the same time, I don't claim to know John beyond his blog. But many of my days have been incredibly enhanced after spending a few minutes in that world.

With that in mind, I've decided to compile a brief list of "Useless Things I've Learned from John at Checkraise.com" While some of this is new information, I have to include some of my Checkraise favorites, which blatently reinforce my own nefarious ideologies.

1. Microsoft Spaces bloggers, beware. Like it or not, Microsoft has extended the bizarre 'courtesy' of putting your profile on Match.com. John hypothesizes (I hope) the spousal abuse that could so easily arise from this bit of corporate malfeasance.

2. John compares a scary-ass former student to Tracy Flick. Are the accompanying photos a blatant troll? Maybe Freud would say that sometimes a sandwich is just a sandwich, but the second photo looks like a straight girl who's taking a tentative swipe at cunnilingus.

3. It might be possible that there are worse old-fuck neighbors than mine. Although, until John's asshole retirees come loaded with their screaming fucking toddler grandchildren, I still say it's a toss up.

4. Feeling smarter than other people is often justified.

5. America is decidedly producing the worst generation of parents, ever. It is possible to conclude that now-fossilized single-celled amoebas provide more guidance to the nation's young.

6. Sometimes life defies logic and just gives us a good laugh.

7. There's a reason to keep exes around. Plus, it turns out that I'm not the only person in the world whose ex has the authorization, ability, and balls to pull the plug should the need ever arise.

Ultimately, I have to believe that if you're not amused and entertained by all of this, your sense of humor is suspect. And it seems like a nice "I told you so" to the churchies who have recently concluded in these pages that I am the most judgmental and dark human in the blogosphere.

Ironically, it's probably John's fault that I ever started blogging. Before the creation of this little repository of insanity, my friends were the only ones subjected to my wealth of knowledge and humor. They would like to thank all four of you for being willing readers since they now enjoy more job security without the steady stream of fuck-filled emails.


Casey Serin's Ridiculous "Live Chat"

Okay, so after a visit over to Rob Dawg at http://exurbannation.blogspot.com, I read some speculation that lazy ass Galina Serin has finally quit school and gotten a job. So with that, I decided to actually listen to Casey's idiotic podcast or whatever he's calling it.

Truth be told, it was either this or that hellacious Pussycat Dolls show. I'm one of those 'young entrepreneurs' who doesn't believe in paying eighty bucks a month for cable. (I also brew my own coffee, mix my own smoothies and can offer a veritable wealth of other such money-saving ideas. Hell! I should write a book about that, rent out hotel ballrooms and charge assloads of money to tell the lemmings about my gloriously simplified lifestyle!)

I mention that because, what a precious counterpoint to Casey Serin, who has just said that "life wouldn't be worth living" if he can't go to Starbucks. What a whinging little cunt.

This whole fiasco podcast had already started by the time TalkShoe finally decided that 1,000 fucking questions in my (fake) registration was enough. But the first revelation is that the Dallas house, the only property that Casey put any money into (cash back from another deal, of course) was most likely a jacked-up appraisal!

I'm not entirely surprised by this, but fucktard actually came out and said that the appraiser put the number at FUTURE value, valuing it as if the house stood AFTER Casey had done some remodeling flipper magic to it. I'm going to need someone from Texas to chime in here, but I'm going to stick my neck out here and assume that's NOT legal.

And if it is, I'm going to buy a duplex in Texas and tell the bank that I plan to put a 40-story condo building on it.

Secondly, Casey admits that he has income. NOTE TO CASEY SERIN CREDITORS: CASEY SERIN IS CLAIMING TO HAVE INCOME. I've been speculating all along that his "hardship" letters to the banks where he claimed to have no income was another bullshit fraud.

Like the weasly little fuck that he is, he can't even commit to making ONE fucking payment to Cash Call. According to the sleuths over at ExUrbanNation, he's apparantly taken out additional loans in his wife Galina and his father Aleksey's names as well.

He goes on to say that someone currently owes him $5,000. There's a veeery long pause after he let that one go. He won't say what that might be for, and starts to get a bit stumbly as he wishes that moment never happened.

As for Galina's job, it's another hoax. Casey is looking to "bring her on board" and she's cooking his books, oops, "overseeing his financials" in preparation for tax season. Why won't they just die already?!?

Casey actually sounds surprised when several callers are explainig to him that, regardless of how much he claims to owe, that he owes on everything he's signed off on. And he's really surprised that people think he's a fucktard for doing things like going on vacations, going out to eat every week, going to Starbucks and Jamba Juice.

Now he's droning on about how he has some sort of dodgy ass money partner and they are continuing to shop for real estate deals in Utah. Money partner is adamant about not being named...no shit. Together, they are working on "helping" others with their deals. CAN ANYONE SAY RICO ?!?!!?

Suze Orman is going to be the next so-called money guru who goes down in the flames with Rober Kiyosaki. She's going to allow fucktard to be on her show. But apparantly she doesn't want Casey cooties...she's only allowing him to be a call-in, not an actual guest.

Closing things up, Casey wants to jump the shark and talks about his new business idea of turning his dumbass site into an actual resource for people going through foreclosure. WHY?!?! What could be possibly offer to people in foreclosure?!?! He's the poster boy for doing abso-fucking-lutely everything wrong.

Fuck, I need a drink.

Ooooh...I went to go close the talkshoe pages out, and WTF, Casey's back. Guess he juiced up his prepaid cell with some more minutes!

Someone right now is giving Sercasey a ration of shit over buying eight houses at once, and for not putting any sweat equity of his own into them. He is apparantly, and I quote, "too busy with other things" to do that.

I think Casey Serin just shit himself a little when his next caller was "Walt CashCall". For a second Sercasey actually freezes, no doubt with his finger on the button, waiting for Walt to come through the phone and demand a Cash Call repayment.

Now we're on to an actual topic...confirmation that Galina quit school. According to Casey "not because we couldn't afford it" WHAT?!?! You can't afford to BREATHE right now. Will she get a refund on tuition? No, and it hasn't even occurred to them to ask.

Apparantly, according to Casey Serin, getting highlights is something you "just have to do", particularly when you "want to change your appearance." Good to know, for the law enforcement folks.

Next up, Casey is justifying not paying his debts because he's better off taking that money and doing something that makes money. Just what the holy hell might that be? OMG...now he's a "75% success".......at taking out the trash for sister-in-law Yulia.

Fuck, we're on wheatgrass now. You know, this has to be said--for those of you who have pets, you know when you're standing in line at PetSmart or whatever and those endcap displays are sitting there full of "pet grass"??? THAT'S WHEATGRASS. I pick up a tray of it every couple of weeks at the farmers market for the cat. And I pretty much avoid sharing foodstuffs with the cat.

Casey is surprised by the level of hate out there. Caller is correcting him on the difference between "critics" and "haters". Good for her. He's getting defensive about his work ethic and saying that he is apparantly making money by doing "consulting work." ONCE AGAIN--TO CASEY SERIN'S CREDITORS: CASEY SERIN IS MAKING MONEY. Doesn't it fucking suck that he won't even send you ten bucks?!?!?!

Casey Serin is completely missing the point that most people who start their own companies do that with income they glean from a full-time job. He's "considering" getting a job, but first and foremost is looking to "stay flexible."

Oh FUCK...He's justifying buying at the top of the market, and saying that it's possible to make money in a down market. Sure it is....if you FUCKING KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!!!

According to Casey Serin, the idea that he's stressed out right now is enough repayment to both his creditors and society. He doesn't think he should go to jail, doesn't think he should repay his creditors. He's planning on filing bankruptcy to get out of the remainig debt.

He's really fucking frustrated with this caller because she's pointing out that other people in the same situation are living on the cheap. He seriously think it's some kind of myth that someone could live off of Top Ramen for six months.

Let me say this again....Casey Serin thinks that because he's experiencing a little grown-up life stress right now that this is the only reparation he needs to make.

I'm not even remotely surprised that this is his attitude. Nor am I surprised that he just hung up on that caller because she was getting under his skin. Cut and run, Casey Serin....it's what you do, isn't it?

As a postscript to all of this, I should tell you all that MUCH hilarity ensued over at ExUrbanNation while this chat was going off. Rob Dawg's traffic went through the roof, thanks to the awesome collection of cynics he's amassed over there. Rob, congrats on turning over 120,000 on the odometer over there!!!

I was straddling this blog and his site, going back and forth making snarky comments on both. I have to say, I really like the EN folks. They're fucking good people, smart as hell, and really, really funny.

It's a bit sad to admit that tonight was the most fun I've had in weeks, thanks largely to "T" and her incredible Casey Serin manipulation. She handled him like a pro, and when he couldn't take it anymore, he hung up on her. I forgot to mention earlier that T was just getting around to pressing him on his good Christian values, and wouldn't that be enough of a basis to man-up and pay his debts?

That really fucking freaked Casey out. T, my hat goes off. To manipulate such a manipulator gives me a great deal of respect for you, tinged with a healthy dose of fear. And I'm pretty sure that's just how it should be!

Casey Serin Jokes

What a week...

As my full-time-plus readers can relate to, work often finds a way of just handing you your arse. Several times this week, I have thought about the flighty existence of Casey Serin and how lovely it must be to loll about napping and spending money you probably never intend to repay.

Fortunately for society, most of us don't take that route. And I can only imagine how my world would come crashing down if I did. I mean, if I showed up at my parents' house for dinner out of an actual physical need, the would kick my ass to high heaven.

God forbid I tried that if I were actually married. It is no stretch of hyperbole to believe that my family would literally take up arms to hold some sort of reality intervention. Honest odds-makers would have to admit that the theoretical husband would not make it out alive.

This line of thinking has also lead to me randomly thinking of tired jokes, and inserting a Casey or Galina Serin ending to them. It's hoards of fun, and I highly encourage you to jump in with your own.

How many Casey Serins does it take to change a light bulb?

None, of course. Galina's supposed to be calling the contractor about that.

How many Casey Serins does it take to open the mail?

We don't know yet. He's still researching various options for outsourcing.

With a new business venture in mind, Casey Serin looks to his wife Galina. He grabs her tits and says "If these could produce diamonds, I could sell them on my website and I wouldn't have to work." As she walks away in a huff, he slaps her ass and says, "The same thing would be true if this created golden eggs." Infuriated, Galina turns around, grabs his crotch, and says "Yeah, well if this were worth a damn, we could finally move out of my sister's house!"

Casey Serin...if he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

Why are Casey and Galina Serin the ideal couple? Because individually, they can do nothing. Together, they decide that nothing can be done.

How many Casey Serins does it take to turn off a running faucet?

One. But he's blogging right now and asking his readers about the best mops to buy.

Since Casey and Galina Serin are having dinner at her parent's house yet again, his mother-in-law asks him to bring her a cup of tea. She tells him she wants sugar, but no cream. Casey comes to the table, empty-handed and confused. His mother-in-law asks him where her cup of tea is. "Well, you were out of cream, so should I make it with no milk instead?"

In order to achieve his goal of becoming a licensed financial advisor, Casey Serin must first sit for an ethics exam. Galina is thrilled when he comes home to tell her that he passed. "My God, Casey, how did you manage to do that?" He looks at her, smiles and says "I cheated, of course." They spend the rest of the evening discussing how everyone who sits for the exam does that.

Casey Serin visits his religious advisor and admits that he believes he has committed a sin. The man of God breathes a heavy sigh of relief, "Finally, young Casey, you have realized the detriment of your lies and fraud." Casey is stunned. "Father, what are you talking about? I think I have committed the sin of vanity. Every morning in the shower I am reminded of how intelligent I am." The man sat quietly for a moment, then replied, "I have good news for you, Casey. That is not a sin. It's just a huge mistake."

Like I said, these are tired old hundred thousand year-old jokes. But inserting Casey or Galina Serin into them is a kind of silly fun, like adding "in bed" to the end of a fortune in a cookie.

Please share your wit and wisdom with the rest of the class. I'm still looking for a good "A priest, a rabbi, and Casey Serin walk into a bar..." joke.