Beauties and the BeastsThe Best and Worst Looking People on TV

Last night I needed a couple of hours of serious vegetation. Work has been grueling for the past couple of weeks, but will hopefully ease up soon. In the meantime, lowest-common-denominator television was called for. And I got just that by watching the weird-ass premier of the Pussycat Dolls show.

In case you missed it, "The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll," is pretty much a cross between "American Idol" and "The Girls Next Door." There's no real plot to speak of, which should surprise no one.

For some reason, the producers thought it would somehow add extra drama to the show to air repeated, graphic scenes of several girls vomiting when a stomach virus hit the majority of the girls. Unless you're into that particular fetish, it's certainly something that could have been handled a whole lot better. And considering the topic, I don't think I'm alone in wishing that "vomiting" had been replaced with "stripper pole."

I haven't really followed the "pop phenomenon" that the Pussycat Dolls have become. It was probably most interesting at its inception, when Carmen Electra and a bunch of her hot B-list celebrity girlfriends did the gig.

I remember they pretty much did Vegas and L.A. parties, and it always struck me as a sort of celebrity talent show. The famous faces in the crowd were mostly friends and family, who happily drank strong cocktails as the girls bumped and writhed.

The concept back then was more '40s burlesque as well. Standard-issue Pussycat Doll gear included garters, windowpane fishnets, and Moulin Rouge-esque lingerie. Frankly, it was a great look.

Somehow, this devolved into actually turning the Pussycat Dolls into some sort of Top 40 sensation. It's now a weird American version of the Spice Girls....as if the world needed that.

So the Pussycat Dolls are hunting for a new member. Good thing, too. The existing "girls" are way past aging out of the program. And that's what would have made for the best vegetative television last night, rather than the vomiting.

At one point, the wannabe's meet the Pussycat Dolls. While the newbies are all wide-eyed and starstruck, the existing members cautiously give each potential Doll a condescending and somewhat terrified once-over. When the girls are crammed in a room together, the physical differences alone become very clear.

The wannabe's are young, mostly 18-20. The oldest is 24. Next to the Pussycat Dolls, who've got to be in their late-30's with assloads of none-too-subtle cosmetic surgery, the newcomers look like they're 12. The Pussycat Dolls themselves wind up looking like the "Don't" list of cosmetic enhancement. As in, "Do..." get enough sleep. "Don't..." pull the skin of your face so tight that your eyes are suddenly near the sides of your skull.

So, yeah, the Pussycat Dolls should worry. Some of these new girls can sing. And there's one 'contestant' that I could have watched all night. I guess she's had years of ballet training, and fuck it shows. Her legs are about nine miles long, her dancing is beyond graceful, and if this Pussycat Doll thing doesn't work out for her, she could easily walk right in and take over for any showgirl out there.

With this in mind, I wonder if later episodes of Pussycat Doll boot camp will have the girls going through forced lip injections, boob jobs, rhinoplasty and microdermabrasion. Because the existing girls are already well on their way to becoming surgical clones of stretch-faced, ropey-armed PD choreographer Robin Antin.

Considering that future episodes threaten to drag out Mark McGrath and Li'l Kim, I doubt anything short of my own stomach virus will have me tuning in again. And considering my low, low expectations to begin with, that's pretty bad.

My overall impression of television today is that of overworked plastic surgery victims, which brings me to the next "Worst Idea on Television." Some-damn-body has agreed to put the heinous Star Jones back on television. Thankfully, it's cable, but still.... expect to have your home invaded by this goofy bitch via CourtTV's airwaves.

This woman is such a fucking train wreck. The promo photo of her is just too much to not include. Because, above the tits, she looks like the vagina fruit that would be produced if Skeletor and a chihuahua were to mate.

Why the fuck should the viewing public have to see this in their homes?!?! And the problem is only compounded with Star Jones Reynold's queen-sized sense of entitlement. I'm pretty sure that Star called in her last favor or a thousand when she decided to throw that grotesque spectacle of an elaborately-sponsored wedding.

In a word, my feeling for television right now is BLEEEEECH.

Meet the "Barbie Bandits" Part Two

As more information is released about the two fucktard 'bank robbers' in Georiga who disguised themselves with only bug-eyed sunglasses, one can't help but think about what a train wreck these girls are.

Apparantly, after Ashley Miller and Nicole Johnshon perpetrated their 'heist' of an Atlanta-area Bank of America, the two went on a spending spree. The left the suburbs, where they had held up a B of A inside a Kroger store, and headed to the posh Buckhead district to pamper themselves.

The girls first hit the Carter-Barnes salon, getting their hair cut and colored, then leaving $50 tips for their stylists. (Considering that they probably dropped $300 each on services, it's not even remotely an extraordinary tip.)

According to one of the hair stylists, she talked with the duo about the recent Atlanta area bank job. She reports that the two were unfazed by the incident, only saying "I know, that's so crazy, isn't it?" So they were obviously aware that they were being hunted, but were too dumb or high to let that freak them out.

They then reportedly hit the Cheesecake Factory on Peachtree Street for dinner. (Why do the white trash gravitate to chain restaurants? I mean, personally, I would have booked a table at a *nice* restaurant, but apparantly Cheesecake Factory is the tits to these girls.)

The girls parents are understandably devastated. I saw an interview with Ashley Miller's mom last night, and she looked absolutely gobsmacked. But the thing is, both of these girls had been on a collision course for at least some time.

Heather Johnston had been persona non grata in her family for several months. She was caught breaking into her parents' home through a back window while they were out of town. When the parents were contacted to confirm Heather's story that she was just breaking in because she had lost her key, they told police that she was absolutely NOT supposed to be in their home. According to the police report, the officer writes that the parents "specifically indicated she does not belong inside" the home.

Heather was then promptly arrested on criminal trespass charges. When she was booked on those charges, she listed her occupation as "dancer". Really...don't try to even act surprised.

Ashley Miller's resume is not any better. She was given a DUI in July 2006 (remember, she's only 19 as of this writing). When the group was arrested on the Bank of America heist, Ashley Miller, Heather Johnston and Michael Chastang were also found to be holding "less than an ounce" of marijuana and "more than 28 grams of ecstacy."

When asked about the x that Chastang was holding, Ashley Miller told the police that it was hers, and that she is "a drug dealer". She is not being released from jail due to probation violations associated with her DUI charge. Yeah-- (laughs)--bank robbery is probably a surefire way to violate probation!

Michael Chastang, it turns out, was in fact the ringleader as I first surmised here. His criminal resume lists previous arrests for theft, firearms and drug charges. What a winner. He apparantly introduced the dynamic dumb-asses to equally IQ-challenged Benny Herman Allen, and coordinated the plan.

He's the mastermind in the sense that he was the only one bright enough to not actually be in the vicinity of such a moronic crime.

Other than Heather Johnston's parents, who seem to have the most realistic handle on what a hell-bent path their daughter has been on, the other parents are sticking their heads in the sand. Both Miller's and Chastang's mothers can be found in the news hand-wrenching and saying idiotic things like her child "fell into a bad crowd" and other platitudes.

Hey folks, let me clarify something for you---YOUR KIDS ARE THE BAD CROWD. They devised this half-assed scheme to commit multiple felonies, then treated themselves to luxuries while they knew they were the most wanted felons in Georgia at the time. This is not the time to defend them.

The only thing that Ashley Miller, Heather Johnston, Michael Chastang and Benny Herman Allen have going for them right now is that they have been replaced as America's dumbest criminals.

That honor now belongs to 17-year old Demetris McCoy, of Watauga, Texas. While police were investigating his home regarding a series of buglaries in the area, they found a video of the asswipe forcing his 2- and 5-year old nephews to smoke a blunt, by putting it in the kids' mouths and badgering them to inhale.

I'm starting to develop some very strong ideas about forced sterilization.

Urban Tea Party

Maybe the coffee and Kashi are causing a serotonin boost this morning. Maybe I just want a break from really stupid people. Maybe I'm just surprised to read about something that doesn't qualify as a supporting argument for the dumbing-down of America.

Whatever the case, this isn't the blog I planned on writing this morning. I had two posts ready to go (I'm sure they'll gain their place later this week), but came across a pretty outstanding topic a few days ago, and am still thinking about it.

In sharp contrast to last week's "Barbie Bandits", here's an Atlanta woman who has some incredible marketing savvy, a great heart, and proof that money follows passion. Sounds like good Sunday reading to me.

Lisa Campbell is an Atlanta radio personality, who seemingly took every chance possible to travel with her daughter. Fellow travelers know that our foreign excursions often touch us in ways we'd never imagined; that we take away impressions and ideas more often than trinkets.

Lisa Campbell was no different. In Jamaica, she was introduced to a memorable cup of South African rooibos tea. In England, she left the country deeply impressed with the variety and pageantry that tea offered.

She went home and started mixing and infusing teas, presenting them like designer cocktails to her friends who came to visit. She began selling her blends online. Folks in her community wanted to know why she didn't have a shop they could visit.

Today, there is a specialty store called the Urban Tea Party within Atlanta's hip and happening neighborhood of Virginia-Highlands. But Lisa Campbell isn't the owner. She was, until two months ago. But then she literally "gave away the store."

What would be, by any standard, a bad business decision is probably anything but. Lisa opened the Urban Tea Party, and its devotees came in droves. But she was still a full-time news personality on local radio. After two years, the pace became too much.

She planned to sell the business. But as the story now goes, she saw an Oprah episode, where the talk show host passed out $1,000 to each of her audience members and asked them to do something significant for someone they didn't know.

Lisa says she woke up one night and realized, "I'm going to give the store away." She wanted to find a wanna-be entrepreneur who had the desire and talent to run a business, but couldn't find the necessary start-up money.

As a radio personality, Lisa knows the media. She put the word out to the "communiTEA", asking interested parties to compile a one-page business plan. She assembled a team of business-savvy associates to evaluate the applications that came in.

Expecting about 75 applications, she was overwhelmed to receive exactly 457. She was under the gun, as she wanted her new owner to be installed in time for the lucrative Christmas shopping season.

She narrowed the field to 10, and then brought them in to interview, round-robin style, with her search "commitTEA". (Yes, Lisa's got the wordplay down pat.) Sherolyn Sellers was the candidate who stood out to the entire team, and she received the keys to the store, including its extensive stock and existing customer base, on December 4, 2006.

So how is this good business? Well, Lisa still owns the parent company,
Urban Tea Company, and still sells tea online. She plans on franchising the business between 2008 and 2010. And she's publishing a book, also called "Urban Tea."

The word of mouth about Lisa's decision has traveled across the country. And no doubt if Oprah comes calling to have Lisa Campbell tell her story on daytime television, sales will go through the roof. This is certainly an out-of-the-box marketing idea that would flip Madison Ave on its head.

But her campaign doesn't seem contrived. In fact, she could have generated a lot more PR if she had extended the application period. Instead, she made it clear that there would only be about two months for the process to unfold, as her new owner had to get that profitable Christmas season to allow her to be successful in her first year.

Lisa's passion for tea is apparent. As a rabid coffee drinker, I have to say that, after perusing her pages, I'm damn near a convert. On her website, Lisa expounds for pages about the history, flavors, and types of teas. As someone who loves the nuances in wines, I'm intrigued. I'll admit, I've got tea listed on this week's grocery list.

The new owner of the Urban Tea Party in Virginia-Highlands obviously has big shoes to fill. But Lisa remains in constant contact with Sherolyn Sellers, advising her on every element of the business.

People will certainly be talking about this transaction. I know that the next time I'm scheduled to fly through Hartsfield-Jackson, I'll organize my flights so that I have time to go check this place out.

Millions of advertising dollars probably wouldn't cause me to say that. But a weird and wild business idea has. So, contrary to standard b-school thinking, it turns out that giving away the store really is good business.

"Black Snake Moan"

Is Samuel L. Jackson only going to star in movies with the word "Snake" in them from now on ???

Is it wise to name a movie that has a white girl in panties chained by a black man, "Black Snake Moan" ???

Can Chrstina Ricci's hotness in her white cotton panties carry a move that Roger Ebert compares to the awful Patrick Swayze dud "Road House" ???

Why the fuck is Justin Timberlake acting ???

These are all questions raised by today's release of "Black Snake Moan," or, its street name "Snakes on a Chain."

Early viewer reviews show that people either love or hate this movie, giving it an average C+ range. Critical reviews also fall into the C+ range. An oft-mentioned curiosity is that folks across the board are impressed with the musical selections in the film. So it's got that going for it.

But the C+ response can't be news to producers. It's no surprise that the movie trailer focuses largely on Ricci's panty-clad butt, while she looks wild-eyed and chained. Nor that the movie's publicity poster features the tagline "Everything is Hotter Down South." Wow...there are so many double-entendres going on there that I'd have to actually use exponents to calculate.


That smacks of lowest-common-demonitor advertising to me. And no doubt that millions of people will go see this movie for the Christina in panties element. Unfortunately, the trailer is a sort of false advertising. Viewers use terms like "sweet" and "redemptive" when describing this film, not "sweaty" or "writhing", which I think would make the panty-party more effective.

Early trailers left out any mention of the esteemed thespian Justin Timberlake. I'm sure that was no mistake, either. Who the hell has ever clamored to see Justin Timberlake act?!? I mean, he's definitely got a huge contingent of people hoping to see him do gay porn, but other than that, I see no reason why he should be invited to film something longer than a music video (and even then.....)

A friend remarked that Samuel L. Jackson must be taking roles these days based on their proximity to golf courses. "Give me a rental house on the ninth green" must be written into his contract rider.

I'll admit that I would head off to watch Christina Ricci bounce around in panties for a couple of hours. But it's not that kind of movie, so I'm going to pass. The movie opens today, so it will be interesting to see how its opening weekend plays out.

Have you seen it? What do you think?

Who Are The "Barbie Bandits"???

It used to be that if you had some type of "personal" emergency, you had a pact with a best friend to come rescue your "naughties" before your family might descend upon your homestead.

In this day and age, it seems just as wise to have someone pull down your webpages.

Is this how the "Barbie Bandit" group got nailed? Was their internet exposure a factor in helping the public to identify them?

The question floating around the watercoolers of America this morning will be, "Who are these people?"

So we updated this after the booking photos hit the web. Boy, these girls look rough. This might very well be the first time that surveillance photos actually make someone look better than they do in real life. Then again, maybe that was their disguise...to commit the crime dressed as upper class suburban girls.

I'M A BARBIE GIRL, IN A BARBIE WORLD:

Ashley Miller, 19 and Heather Johnston, 19

monkey types the bible points out that the booking photos disprove any speculation that these are spoiled suburban girls. That, really, they look like the meth has taken hold.

THE INSIDER: Benny "Herman" Allen

It turns out that Herman is a gamer. If you look at his online profile, you'll see that the very last topic lists him as working in "Information Security" at Bank of America.

Fuck. We should all feel good about that.

Particularly when he lists one of his hobbies as technology.

Am I the only one who thinks that B of A customers have their info floating all over the web right now?

I'm just saying....those are some fancy rims there.....

I guess Herman got popped before he could finish filling out his profile with "rob my bank" under his thinks of "What I like to do."

And in the "say it ain't so" category, Herman's latest blog reveals that he is soon to be a father:

Way to practice being a role model, there.

THE UNKNOWN: Michael Chasting

Well, it's a pretty unusual name, with very little online information. Michael Chasting remains the group member that everyone knows the least about. Which could make him the fall-guy of the group, but judging from this group of fucktards, I think he's got to be the brains, by default.

Let me know what you come up with.....

"Barbie Bandits" Caught

Obviously, the Barbie Bandits didn't watch the movie closely enough and missed the part where you're supposed to dress up as a Betty Doll when you rob a bank.

Described in blogs across the country as the "hot chick bank robbers", the two girls who robbed an Atlanta area Bank of America were caught today.

Frankly, I'm surprised it took this long. The girls didn't disguise themselves very well. In fact, they both had their hair pulled back from their faces, making them that much more recognizable.

They made national news when their photos were beamed all over the free world, showcasing their smiling faces and suburban chic sunglasses.

So who are the Barbie Bandits? And why did they rob a Cobb County bank?

Well, as many people suspected, the robbery was staged. The 19-year old girls are smiling in the photos because they're handing the supposed 'robbery note' to their friend, who was working behind the counter.

Police point out that the girls were easily identified, thanks to their lack of a disguise, and that they and two B of A employees have been arrested and charged with theft.

Honestly, this has to be one of the stupidest "crimes" in recent memory.

The police released this to the media:

MARCH 1--Police tonight arrested two young women, a bank teller, and a fourth accomplice in connection with Tuesday's robbery of a Bank of America branch in Acworth, Georgia. The inside job was allegedly pulled off by Ashley Nicole Miller and Heather Johnston, both 19, with the assistance of bank employee Benny Herman Allen, 22, and Michael Chastang, 27. While the incident appeared to be a bank robbery, cops now consider it a felony theft and have charged the quartet accordingly. Miller and Johnson were captured by a bank surveillance camera as they stood smiling at a counter after handing a teller a note demanding money. The women (both of whom live in neighboring Fulton County) and their male cohorts were arrested less than two days after Cobb County Police Department officials circulated the below surveillance photos showing the women wearing disguises consisting solely of oversized sunglasses (the kind favored by Hollywood starlets). The group was apprehended with the aid of tips that poured into police from citizens who saw the bank camera photos. They are currently being booked into the Cobb County jail.