3/05/2007

Meet the "Barbie Bandits"
Part Two

As more information is released about the two fucktard 'bank robbers' in Georiga who disguised themselves with only bug-eyed sunglasses, one can't help but think about what a train wreck these girls are.

Apparantly, after Ashley Miller and Nicole Johnshon perpetrated their 'heist' of an Atlanta-area Bank of America, the two went on a spending spree. The left the suburbs, where they had held up a B of A inside a Kroger store, and headed to the posh Buckhead district to pamper themselves.

The girls first hit the Carter-Barnes salon, getting their hair cut and colored, then leaving $50 tips for their stylists. (Considering that they probably dropped $300 each on services, it's not even remotely an extraordinary tip.)

According to one of the hair stylists, she talked with the duo about the recent Atlanta area bank job. She reports that the two were unfazed by the incident, only saying "I know, that's so crazy, isn't it?" So they were obviously aware that they were being hunted, but were too dumb or high to let that freak them out.

They then reportedly hit the Cheesecake Factory on Peachtree Street for dinner. (Why do the white trash gravitate to chain restaurants? I mean, personally, I would have booked a table at a *nice* restaurant, but apparantly Cheesecake Factory is the tits to these girls.)

The girls parents are understandably devastated. I saw an interview with Ashley Miller's mom last night, and she looked absolutely gobsmacked. But the thing is, both of these girls had been on a collision course for at least some time.

Heather Johnston had been persona non grata in her family for several months. She was caught breaking into her parents' home through a back window while they were out of town. When the parents were contacted to confirm Heather's story that she was just breaking in because she had lost her key, they told police that she was absolutely NOT supposed to be in their home. According to the police report, the officer writes that the parents "specifically indicated she does not belong inside" the home.

Heather was then promptly arrested on criminal trespass charges. When she was booked on those charges, she listed her occupation as "dancer". Really...don't try to even act surprised.

Ashley Miller's resume is not any better. She was given a DUI in July 2006 (remember, she's only 19 as of this writing). When the group was arrested on the Bank of America heist, Ashley Miller, Heather Johnston and Michael Chastang were also found to be holding "less than an ounce" of marijuana and "more than 28 grams of ecstacy."

When asked about the x that Chastang was holding, Ashley Miller told the police that it was hers, and that she is "a drug dealer". She is not being released from jail due to probation violations associated with her DUI charge. Yeah-- (laughs)--bank robbery is probably a surefire way to violate probation!

Michael Chastang, it turns out, was in fact the ringleader as I first surmised here. His criminal resume lists previous arrests for theft, firearms and drug charges. What a winner. He apparantly introduced the dynamic dumb-asses to equally IQ-challenged Benny Herman Allen, and coordinated the plan.

He's the mastermind in the sense that he was the only one bright enough to not actually be in the vicinity of such a moronic crime.

Other than Heather Johnston's parents, who seem to have the most realistic handle on what a hell-bent path their daughter has been on, the other parents are sticking their heads in the sand. Both Miller's and Chastang's mothers can be found in the news hand-wrenching and saying idiotic things like her child "fell into a bad crowd" and other platitudes.

Hey folks, let me clarify something for you---YOUR KIDS ARE THE BAD CROWD. They devised this half-assed scheme to commit multiple felonies, then treated themselves to luxuries while they knew they were the most wanted felons in Georgia at the time. This is not the time to defend them.

The only thing that Ashley Miller, Heather Johnston, Michael Chastang and Benny Herman Allen have going for them right now is that they have been replaced as America's dumbest criminals.

That honor now belongs to 17-year old Demetris McCoy, of Watauga, Texas. While police were investigating his home regarding a series of buglaries in the area, they found a video of the asswipe forcing his 2- and 5-year old nephews to smoke a blunt, by putting it in the kids' mouths and badgering them to inhale.

I'm starting to develop some very strong ideas about forced sterilization.

7 comments:

Lucidiocy said...

A~

Great commentary-- SNL material. You should be a scriptwriter. Thanks for the laughs,

~T

Aspeth said...

Thank you for the high praise, T, but rest assured that the odds of me being invited to the party at SNL are about as good as me developing testes and impregnating myself.

Brian said...

Oh, those poor misunderstood girls. At least their hair will look good in jail.

Aspeth said...

Hi Brian...Well, judging from the booking photos, I'd say the girls aren't exactly doing good PR for the Carter Barnes Salon. Then again, maybe there was a special on skank-chic in Buckhead that week,

Celia said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Aspeth said...

Celia...Strike Two. If you post your bullshit links to head shops on my page one more time, I'm blocking your IP.

Anonymous said...

uh, totally late but I completely agree with what you say. I cant help but notice that these idiotic criminals are all from the south.....mhm........