Checkraise, an Homage

Perhaps my all-time favorite blog is Checkraise. Its author, John, is a constant source of amusement. It is rare for me to visit his page without finding something that will actually induce a giggle. I have, in fact, even phone-assaulted friends with certain posts, calling them and reading off the computer screen before they have a chance to object.

The thrill for me comes from the author's decidedly cynical worldview. Similar to the adage that "we choose the friends that best suit our own dysfunction," I think we must choose our blog reading the same way. I am continually in agreement with John's take on the world and its inhabitants. At the same time, I don't claim to know John beyond his blog. But many of my days have been incredibly enhanced after spending a few minutes in that world.

With that in mind, I've decided to compile a brief list of "Useless Things I've Learned from John at Checkraise.com" While some of this is new information, I have to include some of my Checkraise favorites, which blatently reinforce my own nefarious ideologies.

1. Microsoft Spaces bloggers, beware. Like it or not, Microsoft has extended the bizarre 'courtesy' of putting your profile on Match.com. John hypothesizes (I hope) the spousal abuse that could so easily arise from this bit of corporate malfeasance.

2. John compares a scary-ass former student to Tracy Flick. Are the accompanying photos a blatant troll? Maybe Freud would say that sometimes a sandwich is just a sandwich, but the second photo looks like a straight girl who's taking a tentative swipe at cunnilingus.

3. It might be possible that there are worse old-fuck neighbors than mine. Although, until John's asshole retirees come loaded with their screaming fucking toddler grandchildren, I still say it's a toss up.

4. Feeling smarter than other people is often justified.

5. America is decidedly producing the worst generation of parents, ever. It is possible to conclude that now-fossilized single-celled amoebas provide more guidance to the nation's young.

6. Sometimes life defies logic and just gives us a good laugh.

7. There's a reason to keep exes around. Plus, it turns out that I'm not the only person in the world whose ex has the authorization, ability, and balls to pull the plug should the need ever arise.

Ultimately, I have to believe that if you're not amused and entertained by all of this, your sense of humor is suspect. And it seems like a nice "I told you so" to the churchies who have recently concluded in these pages that I am the most judgmental and dark human in the blogosphere.

Ironically, it's probably John's fault that I ever started blogging. Before the creation of this little repository of insanity, my friends were the only ones subjected to my wealth of knowledge and humor. They would like to thank all four of you for being willing readers since they now enjoy more job security without the steady stream of fuck-filled emails.