ANNA NICOLE SMITH'S DEATH DEEMED MURDER!

THIS JUST IN:



Sources have concluded that Anna Nicole Smith's death was indeed caused by murder. Authorities are attempting to round up the suspect, whom they have identified as a public figure who made disparaging comments about Miss Smith just hours before her death...







When asked to elaborate further, Broward County officials denied working in conjunction with Donald Trump to charge Rosie O'Donnell in the death of Anna Nicole Smith. They instead obliquely referred to the legendary Gay Mafia that is well known and feared throughout the entertainment industry.

"The fact of the matter is that Rosie was sick to death of Anna Nicole Smith, referring to her as a whoring breeder who shouldn't be allowed to procreate," said a police spokesperson. "Her anger at Anna Nicole stemmed from both Rosie's own inability to impregnate her partner, and Miss Smith's 'famous for being famous' notoriety."

That's right, folks, TwelveYearsOfBeingAnnoyedByChloeSevigny is breaking the story wide open. We beat the news wires to the story, and we'll be there to see Rosie do her perp walk.

Anna, Anna, Anna, Anna, Anna Nicole

Even in death, Anna Nicole is still giving the world a show. You have to give this girl credit...I don't know that her death could have been scripted any better than how it's actually played out.

News reports are speculating about the cause of death, while the crazy white trash family members are making the morning news and talk show circuits. Meanwhile, the newest development is just classic Anna Nicole.

Questions are now swirling about the newborn daughter. Supposedly, Anna Nicole's trailer park mama has shuttled herself to the Bahamas to whisk the baby away. (And if you've ever seen this woman and heard her speak about her own daughter, I can't imagine a worse idea of 'safe custody' than with the woman who produced Anna Nicole herself!)

Apparantly Howard K. Stern has hidden the bebe in an 'undisclosed location', while Anna Nicole's perported baby daddy filed legal papers that will prevent the dead woman from leaving government control for another two weeks at least. This is to ensure that the DNA test on the newborn can be conducted with absolute certainty.

But holy hell! Now there's a new claim to the kid, in the form of Prince Frederic von Anhalt. Most of us wouldn't know him by that moniker, so try this one--he's been married to none other than Zsa Zsa Gabor for the past twenty years! This guy must like his woman large and complicated.

While the Prince held his press conference to volunteer possible paternity, he also lets this bomb drop: In his own words, the Prince confesses that he may or may not be the child's father, and says that there are "twenty to thirty" men who could have fathered the kid.

Oh, Howard, no wonder you're hiding. The shit's really hitting the fan at Casa de Fake Marriage.

Okay, here are my predictions for what happens next:

1. Anna Nicole's crazy mama (who was last making the media circuit claiming that Anna must have killed her son Daniel while he was visiting her hospital room) turns up all over the media making more crazy claims against her own daughter.

2. While in custody of the Broward County Medical Examiner, Anna Nicole's body goes missing.

3. Crazy, crazy dirt starts to come out about Howard K. Stern, explaining why he's been babysitting Anna Nicole for so many years.

4. The real baby daddy turns out to be some trucker from Lubbock, who finds a winning lottery ticket in the form of a new baby daughter.

That's what I think, anyway. But who knows what tomorrow morning's news holds.

A Short Absence

I've been away from the computer for a couple of days.

You know how it is....first I took this mad-dash road trip to Florida (and since I didn't want to stop along the way, was wearing an adult diaper). There's been a whirlwind around my having some innocuous items in my car, like a steel mallet, rubber tubing, a hunting knife and some trash bags. My attorney says he'll get it all sorted out, but I gotta tell you, after running the gauntlet of news cameras with a jacket over my head, I was ready to get a little blotto.

I headed to the Hard Rock (about as far as my court-ordered ankle bracelet would allow me to travel) to get a bit shitfaced with a girlfriend. Truthfully, I was doing that thing where I thought that if I hung out with a friend who's an even bigger trainwreck than I am, I could feel a lot more balanced about the amount of crazy in my own life. And wouldn't you know it...the bitch drops dead. I just know they're going to try to pin this one on me also. Just watch--someone's going to make a big stink about that 55-gallon drum of elephant tranq's I had in my trunk this time.

But really, I'm going for a check-up, and *right now*, because my friend has some kind of death cloud over her head. Otherwise healthy people seem to kick the bucket after just being in her presence...



Holy human madness, Batman! What a week in news, right?!?!?! Not since OJ and the Bronco have I relished nonstop new developments as much as I have over the past few days. Of course, the real reason I've been uncommunicative goes back to my fucking PC-centric world and the disasters and problems that come along with that.

But back to bizarre news.... Has anyone else just been staring at the television, mouth hanging open, waiting to see what happens next in the world?!?! I mean, first the astronaut who just lost the damn plot, to everyone's favorite walking disaster Anna Nicole dropping dead! I mean, no one's going to be really surprised about the Anna Nicole thing, right? If you've ever watched even two minutes of her twisted reality show, you've wondered how this woman's body hadn't given out at any given moment.

But the diet drug industry must be shitting themselves!!! I mean, its ideal spokeswoman--a woman who drank vodka for breakfast, refused to exercise, and had more drug bloat than Elvis--just collapsed dead on the floor of the Hard Rock. And she was bearding married to an attorney and had the craziest trailer-park white-trash family I've ever seen, so I'm thinking that wrongful death suits are already being couriered to tall buildings across the country.

But like I said, no surprise about Anna Nicole. Now Mommy Astronaut is a different story. Aren't astronauts supposed to represent the 'highest and best' of human society? I mean, these folks travel through fucking space!!! Aren't there like only fifty people in the history of mankind who can claim that? And now to find out that an astronaut can be obsessive, petty, jealous, and frankly, insane. I mean, at this point, the population over at NASA is starting to resemble the population of a sorority or soup kitchen.

I'm pretty astounded as I watch her attorney roll his eyes and vehemently deny that she had any intent of bodily harm toward this other woman. That he has the gall to repeat the phrase "trumped-up charges" to news cameras while some other woman ponders how she's probably lucky to be a live is truly insulting to the victim, and to any thinking person watching him.

Imagine...some crazy bitch is stalking you for months; she prints out email directions to your house and thirteen days later (after she's compiled all of her tools) drives across four or five states in a fucking DIAPER and shows up in a wig to disguise herself. The bitch maces you and you somehow manage to drive off for help. Luckily, the cops apprehend her, but you feel a new wave of nausea wash over you as you learn that the contents of her car included the tools to brain and dismember you. Yeah, I think I'd want to see some "attempted [fill in the blank]" filed in this case.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm feeling really fucking good about my own life this week.