More Closet Cases In the News

Today's first appalling story comes from the aptly-named Rev. Ted Haggard. You might remember this paragon of virtue: Heading up a stadium-sized church in Denver, married (with kids, I believe) yet having a long-term affair with a gay hooker who also sold him meth.

In the Funniest Headlines of All Times category, the latest news on good ol' Ted proclaims "Haggard Now 'Completely Heterosexual.' " Holy shit. WHAT?!? Did the evangelical church develop some sort of magic wand to replace the one he'd been sucking? Did they pray the dick out of his ass?

The church, sincerely, cites as proof of this...well, I'll call it the Immaculate Heterosexualization... the fact that the gay hooker was the only one who came forward to admit to sweaty flesh sessions with the Rev. So this is, for them, proof positive that he has mended his sinful sodomizing ways.

Sorry if I'm not so gullible.

The church, in this case, reminds me of the girls who fall in love with gay men and believe that they can change them into being their boyfriends. I call this the Magic Pussy Syndrome. As in, "Miss Thing thinks that she's the one bitch on the planet that possesses that magic pussy shit that's going to turn him straight."

You know how I know that guys who suck cock are gay? Let me clue in the evangelicals and magic pussy girls: Because they suck cock. Now, I know, you and your drunk girlfriends might get drunk at parties and kiss each other. But those lips and *those lips* are two different things. And admit it, ultimately, you're kissing your girlfriend to horny up some guy who you know is watching.

Besides that, while "lesbian chic" has replaced the "Cosby generation" in terms of folks we collectively decide to accept, the last group of men who were socialized with acceptable levels of experimentation were in their twenties during the '70s. These days, it's highly unlikely that you're going to find your boyfriend or husband with a cock in his ass. Oh wait....unless he's GAY.

The second funny headline of the day comes courtesy of America's favorite homoerotic high school sport: Wrestling. It seems that a Herpes outbreak has hit the wrestling community in St. Paul, Minnesota.

They're blaming the mats.

Let me just tell you how my parents would not have bought that if I had come home with herpes in high school. I would have been in stirrups with some latex glove checking for a hymen before I could finish that bullshit sentence. But St. Paul must be closer to Denver than I'd originally thought, because a herpes outbreak in the most closeted sport in the world can now be explained away with a lack of Lysol and a press release. All settled. Nothing to see here, folks.